#YesAllWomen

The hashtag #YesAllWomen is trending on Twitter tonight in response to the shootings in Santa Barbara. (If you’re not on Twitter, here are two good recaps and starting points, though the live thread is worth spending some time with.)

#YesAllWomen is provoking and overwhelming. Powerful because it mirrors back my own experiences and thoughts in a way that makes us feel heard. Hopeful when I think about how many women (and men!) are finding the courage to share their own stories. Hopeful when I think about all the men (and women!) who are finally listening. Dismaying when I read the same defensive / dismissive / threatening replies that are par-for-the-course for feminism discourse on the internet. Heartening when I see the feed flood with 577 more new results every few minutes in the face of those naysayers. Heartbreaking that the stream mirrors back a world so deeply unjust and hurt and nonsensical and confused — and a world that doesn’t know what to do about the wrongness of it all.

Some of my truths that I’d add to the mix:

• I modify my wardrobe based on whether I’m walking, busing, or driving to work — aka how much potential contact with strangers I might have along the way. #YesAllWomen
• Getting home alone at night is always a struggle between “I want to be smart/safe” and “I’m afraid” and “I hate that I’m afraid” and “I’m strong enough, dammit” and “I wish I didn’t live in a world where I have to think about this” #YesAllWomen
• Walking alone in the city — day or night — means constantly scanning, judging, re-routing based on who else is on the street around me. #YesAllWomen
• Constant vigilance makes me shut down, armor up, seal in, hold breath. Which counters all the trust and openness and non-judgment and risktaking I fight so hard to cultivate in my life. #YesAllWomen
• If I call someone out on their misogynistic joke, I’m a wet blanket. If I criticize media for perpetuating the status quo, I’m a hater. If I try to point out a double standard between men and women, I’m being too sensitive. #YesAllWomen
• It gets tiring, so I start self-censoring my own voice, my own thoughts. #YesAllWomen

I want to honor the powerful emotions, but I also don’t want to get stuck there. As #YesAllWomen starts to open eyes, it’s an opportunity to channel guilt into empathy and insight into action. As Jessica Hagy says, “How do you go from tiny to massive? One bite at a time. How do you accomplish gigantic things? One action at a time.” Small (and hopefully fun) starting points below. All reminders to myself as well:

• LISTEN. Really listen. Ask more questions, and then listen some more. These are women’s experiences. Try to listen without defensiveness, without doubt, without guilt. This conversation has been happening on the fringes, and #YesAllWomen is bringing a much-needed wider spotlight to it. Yes, we all (and I mean all genders) are complicit. That’s not okay, but it will be okay if we can start with listening and then move to empathy, open dialogue, and action.
• SHARE. Spread the word, talk about #YesAllWomen, amplify the voices brave enough to speak up — especially with those of your friends who don’t normally think about this stuff, who feel uncomfortable talking about this stuff, who make natural allies, who will continue being defensive, who need to hear it from you.
• LEARN.
  • Bulleted list: 101 everyday ways for men to be allies to women
  • Short videos: Understand consent and consent culture and objectification and privilege (not a vid, but a good read).
  • Video series: Tropes vs. Women by Anita Sarkeesian to learn how to be a conscientious critic of popular media while maintaining your love for your favorite things at the same time
  • Comics: The Big Feminist But: Comics About Women, Men, and the Ifs, Ands, and Buts of Feminism
  • Play: Explore  sex-positive  alternatives to mainstream portrayals of gender and sexuality.
• BE A FEMINIST. Don’t be ashamed of the title. Proclaim your feminism proudly. Here are 50+ reasons to be a feminist. (Also, follow Laci Green and others like her across social media for examples of how to create change.)
• QUESTION. Be aware. Be critical. Once you see the “Patriarchy Matrix,” you might not be able to look back. Women, geek girls, smart girls, female leaders have nothing to prove. Question your assumptions instead of questioning whether that person belongs.
• SPEAK UP. Resist the Bystander Effect. Don’t let things slide just because someone is “joking.” Instead of distancing yourself from the issue by thinking “not all men,” say “don’t be that guy.” Practice empowering responses — for yourself and for others.
• EDUCATE GIRLS. Empower female creators, female leaders, female politicians, female scientists, female entrepreneurs, female developers, female everythings.
• RESPECT ALL PEOPLE AS PEOPLE. It really is that simple. And that complex.
  • How to talk to little girls. Ask them about what they’re reading instead of complimenting them on their dress. Even as grown-up’s: if I forget to compliment your new shirt or haircut or shoes, I still think you’re crazy-sexy-cool-beautiful, AND I’d rather hear your thoughts on politics, social justice, and what you’re reading because you’re intelligent-witty-amazing-thoughtful-kind-powerful.
  • Be a beacon of shining light, combatting the messages we hear from magazines-media-beauty-and-fashion-industry. This letter from a father to his daughter is a wondrous example.

The most important thing that might emerge from #YesAllWomen are the small mindshifts that will start taking place. Awareness leads to reflection leads to attitude shifts leads to new habits leads to culture change. Pass it on.

H/T to Robin who brought #YesAllWomen to my attention and who also blogged about it here.